Crazy Deams and an Epiphany Perhaps

Maybe one day I'll blog about a recurrent dream I've had since Quinn was really little, but for right now, I wanted to write about a new dream I had recently.

When I heard of Sammy's passing, I couldn't do very much to get him and his family out of my head. The if only's and the what ifs really took up a lot of my consious and as with most things that are near and dear to my heart, these thoughts usually transfer over into my dreams.

A few days ago, when I lay my head down to sleep, i did not pray to anyone in particular, as I never do. It is not in me to pray to anything. Often, I do believe in a higher being, as it is hard for me to believe that we humans live only to serve ourselves and nothing else, however I struggle with the thought of God. It is after all the human race that has corrupted my way of thinking. I have witnessed so much brainwashing and down right "UnGodliness" in a lot of my family members to turn me enough away from the thought of going to church and serving Him that until I had my daughter, I never gave much thought in there even being one. But, i have witnessed a few crazy things since being pregnant with my daughter that has caused me to question if this God might be watching over me. Sometimes, it comes as a gentle whisper, that is not really a whisper in my ear... more of like my own voice warning me of certain circumstances that might hurt me (this "whisper" once saved mine and my sister's life one day as I truly was within seconds of smashing our car into a stalled motorcycle on the highway and his rider trying to walk it off... man that was crazy... something told me to just get in the other lane). I do pray at night and during dark times in my life. i usually tell people that I'm sending good vibes their way or that I hope this or that... but sometimes, I do pray... to nothing in particular though. And this night, I thought of Sammy and his mom and his family and I just wanted peace for them and comfort to help them through this, as I myself could physically not be there for them.

And this night, i dreamed.

I dreamed that Quinn was dying and we were in the hospital and it was really her time to go and they had disconnected her from everything and I was holding her in my arms and I was waiting for her to pass and she looks at me and she asked me, "mommy, why do you not believe in Jesus?" And I asked her if she saw the light and she nodded and I told her that it was ok for her to believe in Jesus. and she said to me that she wanted me to believe too because she saw Him and He was waiting for her and she didn't want to leave until she knew that I was ok.

Of course I woke up and I just wasn't sure what to make of it. I told my boyfriend and he said, "well, if that's not a sign then I don't know what is." and so we all made a decision that we would go ahead and go to church next Sunday and that way I can try and understand a little more.

I do not like these dreams that I have of my daughter dying and I know i dream them because it is my worst fear. I always fear if I am doing the right things for her, if I am giving her the best life I could possibly give her. I think it is always best to remember to live for today because tomorrow is never promised. And when these fears enter my thoughts and swirl around in my mind like a sick tornado, I think about that saying and it helps me.